INT. AMY'S CLUB - DAY SHIFT
APRIL FOOLS DAY, Amy is at the club sitting around bored on
a slow day, but then the Applejacks came in.
NARRATOR
It was April Fools Day...that's
right, and to start off the day the
joke was on me as I sat around on a
super slow day before my club
buddies, the Applejacks, decided to
stop in.
POLACK
So, what is your April Fools Day
club name going to be?
NARRATOR
To spice things up on this faux
holiday, some of the dancers
decided to go by different names. I
picked Cinnamon and the name came
with a persona that was totally out
of left field on the silly scale
for me and I began jumping around
and spouting off like some kind of
moron, saying really stupid, silly
things, and I managed to stay in
character all day! I wasn't making
shit for money but flirting with
the Polack I didn't even care. Six
shots later we were leaning up
against each other going over how
fucked-up our families were,
alcoholic uncles, brothers, and
this and that. I usually don't get
so personal with customers but with
the Applejacks, especially the
Polack, the drunker I get the more
I mumble about anything and
everything as we got each other's
pain growing up, deaths we'd gone
through, all that shit. I was just
in the mood to sit around and
reminisce. Then, everything
lightened up when a dancer came
around on her tip walk. It was such
a slow day that like all the other
girls, she was drunk and not in any
hurry to rush around to the scant
handful of customers in the club.
TIP WALK DANCER
You know, I clean my dildos at home
by simply putting them in the
dishwasher.
Amy, disgusted, SPITS out her drink before turning back to
the Polack.
NARRATOR
I spit out half my drink, and that
was just before getting instantly
sick to my stomach. I was
horrified, stared at the stage,
eyes wide open, hand over my mouth,
how could anyone do
that...gross...so gross. I turned
to the Polack.
AMY
I need you to hold me...RIGHT
NOW...I'm so disgusted. Hearing
that is going to fuck up the rest
of my day!
NARRATOR
The Polack started laughing so
hard...then, so did I after pausing
to realize I'd made way too much
out of her remarks. After I stopped
shaking I had to ask her a
question.
AMY
So...do you put the dildos in the
dishwasher with the dishes or by
themselves?
NARRATOR
Anyway, I managed to get over the
shock of that image and my slow day
continued on, passed on some dances
but just didn't care, clearly not
myself and certainly not operating
up to my normal professional
standards.
Amy is sitting with the Polack and FLIRTING with him.
NARRATOR
I can be such a bitch sometimes,
here I'm sitting with the Polack,
giving him lots of attention,
shamelessly flirting even though I
know he's getting attached. I know
he wants to ask me out and I know
I'll always come up with some
excuse why I can't. I'm happy with
my man and I know I'm leading the
Polack on, but I like him and I
like that there's at least one guy
who comes into the club who I can
sit with and enjoy his company
without money changing hands. It's
fucked up...but is it so fucked up
because I know he's so not someone
I would date if I were single. Now,
I might go out with him a couple of
times, I might even fuck him a
couple of times, but long term, I
don't think so. We might make good
buddies, if you get my meaning.
It's just that he's so sweet and
vulnerable and broken, and those
are qualities I see in myself and
that's what draws me to him. I
know, a lot of this is just about
the Jack Daniels...the booze has me
talking out of my ass. My day was
winding down, I was drunk and about
the leave the club when an
insta-VIP walked in. It was
DirtyTalker, but I was still
sitting with the Polack.
AMY
Looks like I'll be leaving to do a
VIP and I'm so glad I'm
drunk...this guy has such a filthy
mouth and I can barely stand him.
Amy leaves the Polack and heads right over to DIRTYTALKER
who for a change wanted to sit and talk instead of hie usual
routine, get right down to VIP business.
NARRATOR
As soon as the words left my mouth
I had to apologize to the Polack
for saying them. All the liquor had
poked big holes in my professional
filter. What I really worry about
is slipping up and mentioning
anything about my committed family
life. So, I left the Polack and
went up to DirtyTalker, mentioning
his name right away, remember he
likes that, and that perked him up.
He bought me a drink and normall
wants to go to VIP right away but
today he wanted to sit and
talk...that was fine. I needed to
decompress a bit anyway.
Amy is in VIP with DirtyTalker and doing her best to light
up his FANTASY.
AMY
You are the only man who can make
me angry and horny at the same
time.
DIRTYTALKER
I know...I knew it...you've got a
thing for me, admit it!
AMY
Oh baby...I have such a hard time
controlling myself when I'm with
you.
DIRTYTALKER
Just give in...you know you want
me.
AMY
Just feeling your eyes on me makes
me so wet.
NARRATOR
After our chit-chat I got through
the VIP, remembered to mention his
name again, talked dirty to him
which was a little easier since I
was drunk, he tipped me 50, and
left. I tried to sober up, ate some
pretzels, but still had the Polack
on my mind, and texted him.
AMY
Thank you for helping me get drunk.
NARRATOR
Some day my man's going to read
this and I just hope he'll
understand. I know it has something
to do with the demands of club
work. So, I ended up making some
decent April Fool's Day money, but
on the ride home my head started to
pound. Hopefully, I'll figure it
all out some day. And girls...don't
put your dildos in the
dishwasher...that's a no-no.
INT. MASSAGE THERAPIST - DAY
Amy's new work week gets started with Monday spent with
LunchGuy, Tuesday at the club she makes all her money with
private dances combined with good tips. After Wednesday was
awful, Amy goes to a MASSAGE THERAPIST who works out of her
home.
NARRATOR
My therapist uses hot rocks and
from what I'm feeling love
literally oozes out from her
fingers and you feel
unconditionally cared for. A
two-hour session begins in the
sauna, then, I get comfortable on
her table and she does her amazing
thing. Reasonably priced and I
always provide a generous well
deserved tip.
INT. AMY'S CLUB
A new workday at the club begins when Amy's COWBOYMAN comes
in. He is tan and has been vacationing in Florida. After a
hello hug he speaks right up.
COWBOYMAN
I have a gift for you.
NARRATOR
He had a curious little smirk on
his face, an
I've-got-something-special-for-you
look as he handed me a little white
box. Inside was a sterling silver
bracelet.
COWBOYMAN
Look at the charm...
AMY
Is it a dolphin?
COWBOYMAN
No, silly, it's a whale!
NARRATOR
He'd read my memoir and remembered
my description of the high-rollers
that came in the club where I
referred to them as well heeled
whales. While in Florida he'd gone
to a number of different gift shops
until he found something with a
whale on it...just too thoughtful
and adorable.
CowboyMan decides to have a VIP with Amy, they go off, enjoy
their time together, he leaves a nice tip, and is out the
door.
NARRATOR
I sat around some but then in
walked my sweet little Jewish
lawyer. He'd also been to Florida
but his remarks were a little
unsettling.
JEWISHLAWYERMAN
One night in Florida I ordered an
escort, took her to dinner and we
spent the night together...and by
the way she so reminded me of you.
NARRATOR
After out VIP he had something more
serious to say, more like an offer
from Tony Soprano...one he thought
I might not be able to refuse.
JEWISHLAWYERMAN
You know, Amy, if you'll be with me
I promise to take care of your
parents.
NARRATOR
The thing is, I knew he was both
sincere and serious, and it was
temping, but the other girls had
similar stories to tell, so I just
couldn't go there, even if I were
unattached. I know he genuinely
cares about me, as I do him. We go
way back as on many days he would
come into the club in physical pain
and deep discomfort. When he's gone
for long periods I worry that he's
passed and I've cried a couple of
times just thinking about that,
about attending his funeral. I do
admire and respect him, a man who's
come a long way in life. A long
goodbye, a kiss on the cheek, and
he was gone...I left early.
EXT. LAKE MICHIGAN BEACH
Amy is sitting on a PARK BENCH by the beach, looking out
over the choppy LAKE MICHIGAN water watching the
white-capped waves whipped up far from shore by strong gusty
winds...Amy is remembering the rough seas at Cinnamon Beach,
appreciating the brief Virgin Islands respite from the
growing pressures connected to her professional reality.
NARRATOR
Processing another emotionally
charged club shift, sitting by the
water helped me get back to the
better days at Cinnamon Beach, the
brief respite in the Virgin Islands
from my demanding professional
life.
INT. AMY'S CLUB
Amy is sitting at her SPOT at the BAR when two brothers come
in.
NARRATOR
What a frustrating, fucked-up day.
The Brothers were in, GrayHairMan
and DarkHairMan. DarkHairMan has
some major family issues going on
and going back over four years I've
spent a lot of time listening to
him share his problems whether I
was adequately compensated for my
therapy time or not.
DARKHAIRMAN
Well...you know my wife hasn't been
well, and now she doesn't even
recognize me anymore. Things have
gotten to the point where I have to
find a place where she can be
looked after properly. The good
part, I'll finally be free and we
can finally be together.
Amy sits with DarkHairMan, listens to him, they go to VIP
and he begins to pressure Amy to go away with him.
DARKHAIRMAN
Just give me a couple weeks to get
my wife settled and we can start
planning our first getaway...so,
Amy, where would you like to
go...and I mean anywhere in this
wide, beautiful world.
NARRATOR
It's not like I haven't seen this
coming. He's asked me to go on
trips so he has a real thing for
me. When he came in I just wasn't
in the mood to deal with the drama
of all his intense but misplaced
emotions. Not in the mood, but yes
I put my professional hat back on
and positioned it firmly in place.
I sit with him, listen and listen,
we do a VIP and sure enough he
starts putting pressure on me to go
away with him. I'm always acting
with all my clients, but with some,
especially the smart ones, you
can't deviate from your club
persona for one fucking solitary
second because they pick up on
every little thing, a different
look, a change in body language, a
wrong word used in an ambiguous
setting, they see blood in the
water and punish you with
relentless pressure to cross the
line.
AMY
Come on now...you know we don't do
carry-out here at the club.
NARRATOR
For the more desperate cases I have
to put it right on the line by
saying things like you're not going
to find a girlfriend here, we're
not going to marry you, we're not
going to be your fuckbuddy, and
that's just how things are around
here. When I made it perfectly
clear that I wasn't going anywhere
with him, he changed. Leaving VIP
he hissed a few snippy remarks and
we almost got into a fight.
DARKHAIRMAN
What's the matter, I thought we
were close, that I meant something
to you.
AMY
Of course you do...I appreciate
your friendship, you're a good
customer, but that's all I have to
give right now.
DARKHAIRMAN
...okay...okay...I'll let it go for
now, but please do consider my
offer...I am sorry, but I've been
overly sensitive lately.
AMY
I will...yes, sure, I will...and
don't forget I know you're
sensitive, I know practically
everything about you so don't start
acting like I don't care about you.
I've got your back and I've been
trying to help you see your way
through your family problems.
NARRATOR
Of course I was just leading him on
with no intention of giving into
his misplaced pressure. A miserly
20-dollar tip spoke volumes about
how rejected he was feeling. I
almost cried, but then my regret
turned to rage, I was fucking
furious and it wasn't about the
money--disrespect piled on insult.
After everything I've done for him,
he's going to punish me? HOW DARE
YOU! Usually after a VIP one of us
will text the other with a few
words of appreciation...not today,
no text from him. I've cried for
this man, I've held him crying in
my arms. This job is so fucking
hard sometimes, I can't even tell
you...an emotional fucking roller
coaster. I need a day off...will
try again in a day or two.
INT. AMY'S CLUB - NEW DAY
One of Amy's favorite regulars, FuzzyWuzzy came in making
Amy's money day. They have lunch, sit and talk, and when
ready they go to do six VIPs.
NARRATOR
It's always a great day when
FuzzyWuzzy comes in and he spent
the entire day with me. He'd been
planning this for weeks after he
learned that certain family members
were going to be out of town. He
was in bright and early, we had
lunch, just like old times, and for
a change he wasn't in a hurry. We
talked about everything and he
remembers pretty much everything I
tell him about my family issues.
For some reason today was special
and when he was ready we did six
straight VIPs...that's right
people, three hours. During the
first VIP we played around while I
danced for him. The second, we sat
together and talked while the third
I danced slowly for him. It was a
cold rainy day outside, the kind
that makes you want to just curl up
in the fetal position and take a
nap, so for the last hour we
cuddled up together and p urred
like a couple of lazy house cats.
He's as comfortable to be with as
an old slipper and it was nice to
spend time together without him
having to rush off.
INT. AMY'S HOME - MORNING
Amy gets and early morning TEXT, much earlier than she ever
gets up, but it was text from AccidentalTerrorist who wanted
to get COFFEE.
NARRATOR
Got a text this morning, earlier
than I'm ever usually up, from
AccidentalTerrorist, who wanted to
get coffee before going to the
club. I hadn't seen him in almost
two months, but this wasn't cool so
I texted back an excuse.
ACCIDENTALTERRORIST
I'm in town and up early...how
about meeting me for coffee?
AMY
Coffee...sounds good but I have
morning appointments. How about
this, I'll pick up coffee and meet
you at the club.
NARRATOR
He was okay with that arrangement.
The problem with him, I never know
what kind of deranged mood he's
going to drag into the club.
Thankfully, today was one of his
better days--polite and well
behaved we had a great time.
ACCIDENTALTERRORIST
It's been a difficult couple of
months traveling for business and
when I get home my wife hardly
notices I'm back, lately focused on
her life and friends. She doesn't
even bother to call me when I'm on
the road.
NARRATOR
Oh well...good for me I guess.
After sharing lunch we did two
VIPs, a handsome tip, and he was
gone by mid afternoon. Without much
else going on I spent time with the
Applejacks who were there.
POLACK
Amy...Amy...I'ed missed you...come
on now, you know you don't spend
enough time with me.
NARRATOR
Sure, he was teasing me, but I
suppose I owe him...I like flirting
with him, but then again I'm at the
club to work, but I hear him and
make nice and order them a round of
shots. I don't know why I'm feeling
so guilty, I shouldn't, it's my
fucking job--I can't just sit
around and hang out with them all
day...unless of course that's what
I want to do and on many a day
that's just what I've done. I
shouldn't even care what they
think, but I do. On this day I
broke away only to land in another
shit storm of dancer melodrama.
INT. AMY'S CLUB - DANCERS SPEAKING WITH HOUSE MOM
Some of the other DANCERS are complaining to HouseMom about
not making enough MONEY.
DANCER 01
You're watching us, we're not
sitting around waiting for dollars
to drop out of the sky and into our
empty tip purses. How are we
supposed to make ends meet when we
can't even make enough during a
shift to cover our tip-out?
DANCER 02
I can only give this a few more
days and if things don't improve
I'm going to have to move on.
NARRATOR
I'm overhearing all this, and
HouseMom doesn't deserve to be in
the middle of their discontent.
Ladies, you've got pay your fucking
house fees...that just the way it
is, don't pay and it gets written
down. I'd heard enough and was
about to leave when I saw CookMan
sitting alone at the end of the
bar. An old friend, one of two
twins, I walked over.
AMY
Hey...Hi...I'm about to get out of
Dodge but before leaving I need a
hug from you.
COOKMAN
Damn...you look so beautiful...as
always, but before you leave I have
a real quick story for you!
NARRATOR
I sat my butt right down because
any tall tale from either of the
twins I knew would be good.
COOKMAN
Well, I got arrested.
AMY
What you?
COOKMAN
Yeah, well I needed a permit for
work and so headed for the
Milwaukee Country Court House. I'd
borrowed a cigarette lighter and
had it in my pocket, but forgot it
was there. So, going through
security one of the guards
red-flagged it, why, because
unknown to me there was a two-inch
switchblade that could pop out of
the bottom, so I was pulled aside,
the guard saying he was sorry, but
he'd have to arrest me.
AMY
How could they...that's not right.
COOKMAN
They put the cuffs on and
perp-walked me down the hallway for
all to see. One of the guards had
the right idea and asked the guard
who cuffed me if they were really
going to arrest me, seeing as I
didn't know the lighter had a
weapon concealed in it. They paused
to consider their next move, but
went ahead and booked me and tossed
me into a holding cell.
AMY
No...I can't believe that...what's
happening in America when something
like this can happen to a
law-abiding citizen.
COOKMAN
Well, I did get my one phone call,
dialed my brother who got busy
working to get me released.
AMY
How long were you stuck in the
cell?
COOKMAN
Amy...Amy...the story is not nearly
over...so I'm the only White guy,
the only sober person in the
holding cell. I've got my chef's
outfit on when a member of one of
the Latin gangs came up to me and
asked what I was in for. I
answered, you woudn't believe it if
I told you, to which he replied,
well bro we've got nothing but time
here. After telling my sad story
the largest and most intimidating
of the gang members walked over,
put his arm around me and said,
Man, that is fucked up! This bad
dude then patted me on the back
along with giving me a reassuring
hug. I managed to survive the
holding cell until midnight when my
brother came through, raised holy
hell with the guards, and the let
me go.
AMY
Damn...that was something...just
shouldn't have happened.
COOKMAN
So, Amy, have time for one more
story?
NARRATOR
I blinked once for yes and settled
in to hear another adult bedtime
story laced with things that really
happened to real people.
COOKMAN
I happened to be in Arizona when
after a car accident I was in the
officer on the scene tossed me into
their tent prison because I had
been drinking only it wasn't me, it
was my brother. The prison had a
reputation for violent inmate
behavior and to make things worse,
the warden was supposedly a little
crazy. It was my brother-in-law who
had actually been behind the wheel,
but I stepped up and got seven days
in their prison. The first day I
made friends with a Black baseball
player who was still wearing his
uniform. Knowing the danger, we
agreed to watch each other's backs.
During meals the prisoners were
segregated, Blacks at one table,
Whites at the other. At the first
meal I was sitting with my new
Black friend, not realizing yet
that the table were segregated. One
of the Black inmates comes up to
the Black ballplayer and says, 'He
needs to go sit at the other
table.' So, okay, I got up and
moved. Now sitting with the Latino
inmates, one of them walks over to
me and says, 'I'll just take that
tray,' which he does and walks
away. At this point I'm not at all
sure what to do. I wasn't really
scared, but thought better of
starting a scuffle as it might
lengthen my sentence so I turned
the other cheek, waited for the
lunch period to be over, and left
the room. Heading back to my cell a
guard stopped me.
GUARD 01
I saw what happened in there...you
can't let him get away with that or
your stay here is going to be full
of more incidents like that and
things even worse.
COOKMAN
Sure, that's easy for you to say,
but I don't want to end up here for
the rest of my life.
GUARD 01
What I'm trying to tell you is that
in here people handle their own
shit. Don't worry about your
sentence.
COOKMAN
The next day at lunch the same
Latino comes over again, but this
time I tell him he can have the
tray, proceed to hand it over to
him, but used the diversion to
wallop him across the face so hard
he went flying, landing hard on the
ground. I pounced on him and
pounded his face bloody. I wasn't
about to stop on my own, but soon I
was pulled off of him. I got one
day of punishment in solitary
confinement, which wasn't so bad as
in the box I had nothing to worry
about. When the guard came to get
me I asked if I could serve out my
sentence in solitary. He laughed.
Back with the group, a member of
the Aryan Nation came up to me and
said, 'Good job, son.' For some
reason I did the rest of my time
under their protection. And the
next day, when I was working out
with weights, one of the new
inmates came up to me.
NEW INMATE
I heard about what down with you.
I'm worried about being gang-raped.
After what you did to the Latino
nobody's going to mess with you or
with me if they know you're looking
out for me.
COOKMAN
I went along and he was safe as
long as I was there. Don't know how
he got along after I left. On my
last day my sister came to pick me
up. Before leaving I got high-fives
and hugs from the inmates and she
saw it all.
SISTER
You are unbelievable...you can
literally make friends anywhere.
NARRATOR
After finishing up his story he
turned to me and said, 'Yep, I am
good at making friends, but if
someone tries to hurt me or someone
I care about I'll take him down,
hard, I don't fuck around.'
AMY
Ah...can I find a place for your
story in the novel I'm writing?
NARRATOR
He gave me permission, and knowing
others might enjoy hearing what
he'd been through put a big smile
on his face. The storytelling over,
I left the club and my day ended
with me sitting quietly in my
backyard, listening to the peaceful
rain, watching robins snatch worms
out of the wet ground...how do they
find those slimy annelids anyway?
Soon I'll be going in the house to
have some dinner with my
man...definitely a good day.
INT. AMY'S CLUB - NEW DAY
Amy's WHALE charm guy, CowboyMan, was the first to come in.
NARRATOR
My whale charm guy, CowboyMan, was
the first to come in today, but I
was really expecting
AccidentalTerrorist so with that
development I knew I'd be busy most
of the day. As a courtesy I'd
called CowboyMan to let him know
when I expected to be free to spend
time with him. Several times in the
past he'd come in, wanted to see
me, and I wasn't available and I
could tell he was disappointed.
When I sat down with him he had
something to say, but waited until
after the typical initial
comfortable pleasantries.
COWBOYMAN
That call meant a lot to me, that
you would think enough of me to be
considerate of my time...how sweet
is that!
NARRATOR
We talked a while longer and then
he had a follow-up comment.
COWBOYMAN
You know, I'm not ashamed to say
that after you hung up I got a
little teary-eyed...so thank you
again for being o considerate.
Amy is deep into a meaningful conversation with COWBOYMAN,
then, the APPLEJACKS come in and Amy sits and drinks with
them.
NARRATOR
I was moved by his display of
genuine gratitude and yet how sad
is it that someone he barely knows
could affect him so deeply. After
he left I was alone until the
Applejacks came in. A German and a
Polack walk into a titty bar...did
you think a joke punch line was
coming? One is German the other
Polish, we drank, hung out, then,
my sweet DirtyBoy came in. He'd
texts me wanting to do a VIP after
work. I was hoping to leave early
but that wasn't to be. Fluttering
around like a drunken little social
butterfly, spreading myself as thin
as I possibly could to give
everyone who'd come in to see me at
least some of my precious club
time. Before leaving the Applejacks
got a little tense.
AMY
So guys I'm going to have to leave
you...
POLACK
Oh sure...leave us here alone...I'm
tearing up.
AMY
Yeah...I have a dinner date with a
customer...
POLACK
Oh...okay...so you won't go out to
dinner with me, but you will with
another customer...I see how it is.
NARRATOR
I could tell he was more than a
little pissed and I didn't want
that because the Applejacks were
important to me.
AMY
Now...now...don't be like that...we
spend a lot of time together here,
right, but now I've got to go on
stage.
Amy is now on stage when someone approaches with a fist full
of dollars during her second song.
NARRATOR
During my second song one of the
other dancers struts up to the
stage sporting a mischievous
Cheshire cat grin. She was holding
a stack of ones and before long it
started raining dollar bills,
floating down like gigantic
snowflakes.
STAGE DANCER
They're from the Polack!
NARRATOR
Hearing that, I made eye contact
and winked a thank you at him.
After my stage set it took a while
to scoop up the 50 bills. I stopped
by him during my tip walk.
AMY
Thanks for the tip...you know, the
jealously tip!
POLACK
Yeah...right...jealous...I am
jealous, but you are welcome.
NARRATOR
DirtyBoy was watching all of this
drama unfold. Back sitting with
DirtyBoy he couldn't help wanting
to know about what happened on
stage.
DIRTYTALKER
So, what was that all about.
AMY
Oh...he's just got a schoolboy
crush on me and gets jealous
easily.
DIRTYBOY
Huh...I think now I'm jealous!
Amy is sitting with DirtyBoy at the club but then the scene
shifts to Amy meeting him at a HOTEL, he puts on an LP, lays
down on the bed, Amy, wearing a T-shirt, lowers her BARE
BOTTOM over his face and smother his nose and mouth.
NARRATOR
I knew I'd started something, but I
just laughed and shrugged it all
off. So DirtyBoy and I shared a
simple meal and met up at the hotel
where we usually get together. He
puts a song on, lays down on the
bed, and with my T-shirt on I
lower my bare behind down to his
face and sort of smother his mouth
and nose. He pays me really well to
do this service for him and never
tries to cross the line with me.
Usually two hours go by and the
last hour we talk, joke around,
watch TV. At this point he
typically hands me a stack of cash
which I never count because he
always gives me the same amount and
he's never cheated me. Getting in
my car I finger through the bills
and today there's an extra 100. I
text him right away.
AMY
You gave me more than usual...did
you mean to?
DIRTYBOY
...jealousy money...
NARRATOR
That's right, folks, I made $150 in
jealously money today off of two
younger men...a first for me,
pretty freaking awesome--only at
the club! I'm tired, it's late, and
I'm finally on my way home...
INT. AMY'S CLUB - NEW DAY
A good Tuesday at the club during which Amy makes a ton of
money. FuzzyWuzzy comes in first, but before work Amy is at
the HAIR DRESSER getting a makeover, hair, nails, the works.
When Amy gets to the club and goes in the dressing room she
finds a new girl's things all over her spot.
NARRATOR
What a Tuesday...made a ton of
money! FuzzyWuzzy called over the
Easter weekend saying he had an
hour to spend with me today and
that he'd be in around 1:00
o'clock. That was good because I
had a hair appointment scheduled
before work. Why pay for a fancy
hairdo, my LunchGuy hired me to do
some jewelry modeling for a show in
Madison on Thursday so to prepare I
got a makeover. I also had to find
just the right dress, classy, and
respectful of the event. Chatting
with my hair dresser, though, did
not inspire much confidence, in
fact I had something of a
conniption fit worrying that she
was botching the coloring job which
I needed to be just right...I sat
back and tried to relax knowing
that at least I'd have a good money
day with FuzzyWuzzy. Finally
finished, and the coloring not too
bad, I headed for the club. Walking
in late some new bitch's shit was
all over my dressing spot...and I'm
always annoyed when that happens. I
moved her things to one side. The
dancers were in varying stages of
dress and undress and as usual
talking crap about everybody and
everything. No one seemed to be in
any hurry to get out on the floor.
Being late I ended up fifth on the
stage list. Looking around the bar
I see someone, a traveling salesman
from Chicago. Sometimes I get a
text from him, at other times, like
today, he just shows up. I waved at
him from a distance. I wasn't ready
to dive into my club
responsibilities, no breakfast,
exhausted, but there he was so I
walked over to say hello...and
stake my claim with the other
girls.
AMY
You're back in town...for how long?
TRAVELINGSALESMAN
Only a couple of days.
AMY
So...have any spicy stories to
share with me?
TRAVELINGSALESMAN
Well...yes...not so much me, but a
couple of friends of mine who'd
been to the Bunny Ranch in Reno.
One spent six grand, the other
three on top-of-the-line pros.
Nothing was out of bounds, blow
jobs, backdoor, two on one, two on
two.
NARRATOR
I tried to act both interested and
shocked, but as you can imagine
I've seen and heard it all, but I
went along with building up his
X-Rated alter ego. I really just
wanted some peace and quiet before
FuzzyWuzzy showed up. As ChicagoGuy
was rambling on, an older man,
someone I hadn't seen in close to
six months came in hoping to see
me. That was my professional excuse
to escape the drudgery of the Windy
City oversexed braggart. After a
few dances with the older man, I
was on stage when FuzzyWuzzy came
in!
Amy is finishing up her TIP WALK when FuzzyWuzzy comes into
the club. After her tip walk they go right into VIP. She's
sitting on his lap, NAKED, and he just wants to talk.
NARRATOR
After my tip-walk FuzzyWuzzy and I
went right into VIP. I'm sitting on
his lap, naked, and he just wants
to talk, about whatever, his
family, everything going on, and so
I didn't do much dancing. One of
those days when he didn't have much
time, he had to leave, but after
another stage show, during that tip
walk I noticed another prospect.
RichMansSon comes in twice a year,
drops a lot of cash, and then is
gone for months. He's around my
age, attractive, polite, and a good
conversationalist with a
Comedy-Central sense of humor.
Amy spots a prospect, RichMansSon, during her TIP-WALK,
catches up with him from behind, spins him around and gives
him a big warm-welcome HUG.
NARRATOR
I caught up with him from behind,
spin him around, and give him a big
hug. The dancer sitting next to him
bunks next to me in the locker
room. Apparently I'd rustled her
possessive feathers.
RUFFLED DANCER
Whoa...I am jealous...Amy never
hugs me like that!
NARRATOR
I just ignored her, didn't take the
backbiting bait. She'd kind of
planted her flag with him during my
stage show when I could see she was
talking his ear off, an unwanted
distraction as I could also see he
was all about following my
Lady-Gaga spicy stage moves. He
agreed to wait until I finished my
VIP with FuzzyWuzzy. By the time I
got back he'd managed to get rid of
the other dancer.
RICHMANSSON
Did you know Amy Ford is the most
hated dancer in the club.
AMY
Oh yeah...what are those bitches
saying about me now?
RICHMANSSON
Five different dancers tried to sit
with me and I kept telling them I
was waiting for you.
AMY
Oh, really.
NARRATOR
I love it when customers are loyal
like that, it makes me feel like
I'm doing my job, I've made them
feel special, they have a great
time, and when they're in the club
it's to see me. RichMansSon has
money, so he could have spent a
grand on the other girls while
waiting for me and then spend
another grand on me. Wealth has its
privileges. After working much of
the year he'll spend the winter in
Costa Rica backpacking through the
jungle, shift gears, and go deep
sea fishing battling 10-foot Blue
Marlins. Then, in the spring he'll
show up at the club. In the past
he's spent the entire day with me
in VIP, but today we sip on drinks,
talk, I dance, and we had another
memorable time together. He was
gone by five. It was a strange
Tuesday, busy like a typical
Friday, my stripper purse bulging I
tipped HouseMom and my favorite
bartender, and left early.
EXT. MADISON WISCONSIN - AFTERNOON
Amy is in MADISON, Wisconsin for her modeling gig. She
checks into the EDGEWATER Hotel. LunchGuy picks her up and
they first go a JEWELRY STORE, then, to the venue for the
modeling show.
NARRATOR
Oh my god, what a fine fucking time
I had, drove to Madison in the
morning, checked into the Edgewater
Hotel, built after WWII, a landmark
downtown historic structure right
on the shores of Lake Mendota and
only a few blocks from the Capitol
and the Art Museum where the show
was taking place. My room had a
gorgeous view overlooking the
water. LunchGuy picked me up and we
headed to the jewelry store
cosponsoring the event. For the
afternoon modeling session I'm
wearing a very proper lady dress,
navy blue, knee length, with a pair
of tan heels. My job was to draw
attention to their pearl necklaces,
bracelets, and other specialty
pieces, engage in conversation with
people, pass out business cards,
and just look pretty. The show
began around 7:00 PM and LunchGuy
had VIP tickets.
INT. MADISON ARTS BUILDING - EVENING
The ARTS BUILDING came to a spectacular architectural point
all in GLASS and showcasing a glass staircase going up six
floors. Amy is wearing a king's ransom in jewelry. Just
before the show Amy and LunchGuy slip into a photo-booth for
some picture-taking fun.
NARRATOR
For the main event I'd changed into
a sleeveless black-and-white dress
with a black belt and black pumps.
It had pockets which I stuffed with
business cards. A collage of
fascinating people caught my eye,
ranging from gay to straight and
everything in between. We got some
wine and I began mingling. I was
wearing a ring with a large pearl
banded by a thin strip of diamonds.
I also had on a bracelet made of
three strands of grape-sized white
pearls as well as a pink, beige,
and purple pearl necklace. I knew
the jewelry was worth a small
fortune and I couldn't help but
feel rather Princess-Kate regal. A
silent auction was underway. After
looking over the available items we
slipped into a photo booth to snap
a few spontaneous pictures. The
show was about to begin so we
walked briskly toward the elevator
which was nearly full.
AMY
Got room for two more?
NARRATOR
I directed my request at a lady in
the elevator wearing a pink dress.
LADY IN ELEVATOR
Nope...
As she said "Nope" she at the same time pushed the 4th Floor
button closing the elevator door. Getting on the next
elevator.
AMY
Did you see that?
LUNCHGUY
Yeah...that was pretty rude.
NARRATOR
I shrugged it off thinking she
wanted to act like some big-shot
bitch, that's fine. We got on the
next elevator and were ushered to
our front-row seats, while the
person who wouldn't let us on the
elevator was stuck in the back
row...what goes around comes around
and as we walked by I raised an
eyebrow to send the message...hey
bitch, I'm a VIP. Also, walking by
I'm holding a glass of expensive
wine and was wearing thousands of
dollars worth of jewelry and
feeling quite elegant.
INT. MADISON ARTS BUILDING - EVENING
the show begins with the GLASS STAIRCASE replacing the
typical fashion show flat runway.
NARRATOR
When the show began I couldn't
believe what I was seeing.
Replacing the typical fashion show
flat runway were the glass stairs.
Each model was done up to represent
an historical or mythological
figure. Using intricate sculpted
up-dos and hair extensions, one of
the characters represented Mother
Earth while another the fairy tale
character, Rapunzel, who had ten
feet of hair woven into her
magnificent costume and she
struggled some to hold up the heavy
hairdo while negotiating the stairs
barefoot. The Fire Goddess was
impressive with her entire face,
arms, and body covered in an
extension of her bold massive
coiffure. Each model was also
featuring exceptional pieces of
jewelry from the same store and
each was escorted by a smartly
dressed gentleman making sure there
were no accidents during their
four-flight stair descent. The
Alice in Wonderland character had a
bangin' body and flirting with the
audience she had them in the palm
of her attractive hands. Walking by
she looked me right in the eye. I
winked back and smiled a not so
subtle reply carrying the spicy
message...if I were a guy I'd do
you! With that grand finale the
show was over. LunchGuy and I
mingled, made some donations, had
another glass of wine and took some
pictures with a few of the models.
I didn't hesitate to talk up
LunchGuy as being the one who
supplied the magnificent jewelry on
display during the show. After
leaving the restroom I walked into
the hall and there was the lady in
the pink dress in the elevator.
ELEVATOR LADY
I am so so sorry, I was such a
bitch earlier and as soon as the
elevator door shut I knew I'd made
a big mistake. Can you ever forgive
me?
AMY
Well...thanks for the apology,
that's really big of you.
NARRATOR
I know how women can be, we're all
bitches at heart, especially at a
gala event where we're primping and
on display. You want to stand out
and capture everyone's attention
and that takes attitude! When we
were done talking LunchGuy wanted a
word with her. I was standing by
myself for a minute when her
boyfriend waved me over. I learned
later that when LunchGuy was
talking to them they wanted to know
if my services could be purchased.
After he got done talking to her,
complimenting her on making that
wrong right, she came straight up
to me, grabbed my face with a hand
on either side, and planted a big
kiss right on my lips! Her guy, who
hoped I might be for sale, thought
that was pretty funny. Before
leaving I took pictures with some
of the hunks who were escorting the
hair models. One was wearing a
shiny, silvery, well fitting suit
directly from a Paris boutique,
completing a beautiful look;
stylish hair, jewelry, shoes, suit,
the whole package...and yes, guys
can be beautiful! I couldn't help
but think of my gay friend, Bryan.
AMY
When one of my friends sees this
picture he's going to instantly
fall in love with you!
The FASHION SHOW over LunchGuy and Amy go to STATE STREET
for a meal, talk, and look through all the PICTURES before
he takes Amy back to her hotel where all they do is slow
dance to some music to end their time together.
NARRATOR
And that ended the delightful day.
LunchGuy and I headed for a nearby
gyro joint on State Street, talked,
and looked through all the pictures
documenting our amazing time
together. Always the consummate
gentleman, he took me back to the
hotel without any expectation that
his money might have purchased
sexual favors. There we were,
alone, looking out over the placid
waters of Lake Mendota and all he
wanted to do was slow dance to some
music playing softly in the
background Then he left.
EXT. AMY ON THE ROAD HOME - MORNING
Amy is DRIVING home.
NARRATOR
It's morning, my Chrysler's on
cruise control heading home on a
beautiful sunny day and I'm still
on cloud nine over wheat I'd
experienced. Just might stop in the
club to share what happened with
some of my many friends there...
INT. LESBIAN BAR FOR BOOK SIGNING - EVENING
Amy is launching her career as a WRITER at a LESBIAN BAR.
She arrives early and sets up a table with copies of her
BOOK and other marketing materials.
NARRATOR
It was my first book signing and
what an unbelievable night it
turned out to be. Thanks to a dear
friend, Bryan, someone I've been
close to since I was 18 years old,
Amy Ford, my pen name, was stepping
out to promote my recently
published memoir, Shave Slowly.
Pretty damned exciting! My friend
whose been gay as long as I can
remember, whom I knew was gay long
before he came out, got me the gig.
I still remember when we first met,
our eyes locked and without words
the mutual unspoken message, I
really like you-let's be friends,
was exchanged and we've been close
ever since. He had a contact at a
lesbian bar--that is to say he was
banging the manager. He'd talked up
both me and my book and the manager
made a suggestion to Bryan.
MANAGER
Tell her to come for our upcoming
Boob Fest and promote her book!
NARRATOR
Why the hell not so I showed up for
Boob Fest. The lesbian bar was
featuring a wet T-shirt contest
that night. I arrived early and set
up a table. Things started hopping
around ten. My dear pal, LatteGirl,
had already stopped by to show her
support. Her sister was along and
we all danced while downing a few
beers, but as the crowd began
filling up the place I started
getting a little nervous.I know I'm
good at talking to strangers,
really I am, and obviously in my
line of work I'm good at mingling
in crowds, but this was a totally
different deal. I'd set my table in
a corner of the bar, copies of my
book neatly stacked, my posters on
display along with book business
cards. Everything looked great. The
crowd was having a good time and
finally a few people started
wondering over by me to check out
what was going on. Bryan was there
helping me talk to people, many his
friends, and finally the magic
moment when I sold my first book
out in public away from the club
where a handful of my close friends
and customers had purchased advance
copies. First the one, then a few
more while I proudly signed each
book. Everything was going well
when the Polack from the club
showed up to support me, so I hung
out with him a while. As you know
by now I enjoy his company, but
pressed for time he had to leave
before the wet T-shirt Boob Fest
contest began...his loss! One of
the coordinators of the event
walked over, sporting short
bleached blond hair and was dressed
as an adorable hip-hop boy. She
leans in at my table, folds her
hands, peers at me, and flutters
her eyelashes.
COORDINATOR #1
Are you going to be in the contest?
AMY
Well...I wasn't planning on it...
COORDINATOR #1
Now...people are asking about you,
including the judges because we can
all see you have really great tits!
Amy changes for the contest, gets in line with the other
contestants. Warm water is poured on them one at a time
after which most of the girls get more than a little crazy.
Amy doesn't want to go there.
NARRATOR
How could I refuse such a cute
compliment and invitation. I
quickly changed out of my tight
jeans and army-green tank top with
skulls and slashes all over, took
off my black lace padded bra worn
to pump up the boobs for all the
lesbians. Over the bra I'd put on a
stretchy microfiber white tank top
to go with my short denim skirt. I
was going commando, not that I do
that most of the time, but hey I
was in a lesbian bar and about to
take part in Boob Fest.I get in
line with the other contestants and
Bryan decides to also participate
because it was open to
guys...pretty cute of them! Though
I look good for my age most of the
girls were much younger and doing
crazy things as the warm water was
poured all over them--shaking and
grabbing their boobs and humping
the pavement. At this point we were
all outside. Next in the
competition we were asked to do
some kind of sashay or dance.
During the first round I didn't do
anything crazy, just strutted my
stuff while prancing around
wiggling my butt under my cute
little skirt and all while showing
off my tits. The second round got
nuts as some of the girls were
giving the judges lap dances while
burying their breasts in the
judges' faces. That triggered roars
of hoots and hollers, things like
'Nice tits' and 'Great ass' but all
that madness wasn't working for me
and I turned to Bryan.
AMY
I really don't care if I lose, I'm
not doing any of those shenanigans.
Amy takes a more professional, understated approach, slowly
removing her TOP, but afterward the crowd erupts in
approval.
NARRATOR
Resigned to my Boob Fest fate when
my turn came the crowd of drunken
gays and lesbians didn't quite know
what to expect. Much more reserved
than the others I walked
confidently in front of the judges,
like I was taking the American Idol
stage for the finals and expected
to win. I began by giving them a
look from behind at my classic
Marilyn-Monroe chassis, vibrated my
ass cheeks, then, took the sides of
my top down slowly off my shoulders
until my bobby-socks boobies popped
out--perfectly shaped
baseball-sized breasts with dime
sized nipples and kissed by the
cool night air sticking straight
out. The crowd roared in approval
as I finished my performance with a
little shimmy while bouncing my
tits up and down to the DJ's
driving house mix. It was too cold
to stand around outside, so I ran
into the club while the judges did
their thing. I didn't expect to win
because some of the other girls had
definitely crossed the line into
Boob Fest Girls-Gone-Wild
territory. I knew I had a certain
professional panache when it came
to putting on a topless show, but I
didn't think that's what the judges
were looking for. I changed back
into my original book-signing
outfit and waited for the judges'
decision.
JUDGES ANNOUNCER
The winner is...Amy!
Amy is declared the WINNER, does a few more book signings
when a LESBIAN comes up to her.
NARRATOR
LatteGirl had returned for the
contest so I got some intense
way-to-go hugs from her as well as
congratulations and toasts from the
crowd. Yes, everybody...not only
did I do a book signing in a
lesbian bar, I won their Boob Fest
contest! It was so much fucking
fun...I was all smiles, everyone
had a great time, I bought a round
of drinks for the bar and sipped on
a Sex on the Beach cocktail,
toasting to my sweet victory with
my best bud Bryan who'd set up the
whole thing. After the contest I
settled back to my book-signing
table to continue marketing. After
selling more books I gave a few
away. Slipping onto the dance floor
I'd put book cards into people's
hands while moving from person to
person grinding on them. Then, a
cute, short-haired butch lesbian
dressed like a little boy came up
to me. She loved my Boob Fest
performance and was also one of the
coordinators of the event.
BUTCH LESBIAN
So, Amy, how did your memoir come
together?
NARRATOR
I explained about working at the
club and connecting with my editor
who was also a publisher.
BUTCH LESBIAN
How much is your book?
AMY
I've been getting $20.
BUTCH LESBIAN
Gee, I don't even know if I have
that much anymore.
AMY
How about this...instead of cash I
want three hugs and a kiss from you
and then you can have a book.
NARRATOR
Three hugs later I handed over a
signed copy of Shave Slowly! A
little later another girl walked up
to my, eye-fucking me every step of
the way. She had longer hair and
could have passed for straight.
LONGER HAIR LESBIAN
I hear you're giving books away for
hugs and kisses.
AMY
That's right...three hugs and a
kiss on the cheek and the book is
yours.
LONGER HAIR LESBIAN
Really, just a kiss on the cheek...
AMY
How about we get through the hugs
and see where the kiss leads!
NARRATOR
After two hugs I totally kissed her
right on the lips as she grabbed my
ass...no tongue, though, just lips.
To end the unexpectedly raucous
evening I gave the bar owners and
the manager each a signed copy,
gathered my things, and headed
home. Could that possibly be what
most book signings are like? I knew
better and yet I don't remember
ever having a better time, but it
was different, not like a vacation
or club fun. I quickly sobered up
with the much more serious thought
that successfully marketing my book
could lead to an exciting and
profitable new chapter in my
professional life. It was a great
first experience...and Amy Ford
wanted more...much more.
THE END SHAVE SLOWLY LIMITED TV SERIES EPISODE #09
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