INT. CROSSING THE BORDER GENTLEMAN'S CLUB
Amy is at the club anticipating a typically good THURSDAY.
Knowing timing is everything, she is alert to anyone walking
through the FRONT DOOR when FUZZYWUZZY comes in and she goes
over to him.
NARRATOR
Thursday's are usually pretty good,
but also a challenge. Depending on
how many of my regulars come in and
when, I have to be on my toes to
make sure I get to all of them. I'm
good at this and yet every day I'll
still miss some opportunities for
dances, but if I play my cards
right at least few VIPs will get
away from me. Before I dip into my
strawberry Yoplait one of the
dancers waved me over.
DANCER 01
Hey...that weirdo's here, you know
the beard, sandals, glasses,
shorts!
NARRATOR
She'd described him to a T, it was
FuzzyWuzzy standing at the counter.
A VIP regular, I headed right over
to him, grabbed his butt, said
hello, we shared some lunch and
talked.
FUZZYWUZZY
Did I tell you, my son is getting
divorced and is going to need some
help staring his life over. As if
that wasn't enough, I just got an
estimate to repair my leaky roof.
NARRATOR
I always listen sympathetically to
his problems and yet the accountant
part of my brain knows what all
this means...less fun money to
spend on Amy...oh well, we sat
there, I listened some more and
when he didn't suggest a VIP and
when one of my VIP regulars came in
and I had to leave, he got pouty.
FUZZYWUZZY
Really...you have to go...but I...
NARRATOR
It was turning into a rough day for
a number of reasons, not the least
of which, it was my time of the
month. I didn't want to be here to
begin with and you'd think I could
catch a break on days like this, on
a day when all I want to do is lay
down, get into the fetal position
and rock back and forth...and those
are the days when I end up running
from one sex-starved stud to the
next. When LittleLunchMan came in
worried about an upcoming job
interview, we started with some
dances then, sensing what he needed
I started stroking his ego.
AMY
Stop worrying will you, you're
going to do great. How could they
not hire such a wonderful guy!
LITTLELUNCHMAN
Thanks...thanks...you are good to
me.
NARRATOR
I recognized it as a compliment and
knew I deserved it. Like with all
my clients, I'd figured out what he
needed and gave it to him and if it
helps him, was it worth the price
of our club's admission? You bet!
After he left, next, the endlessly
spinning club merry-go-round
stopped on OcopusMan. I'd had a
feeling he was going to stop in, so
no surprise. Five minutes of small
talk and we were off to VIP.
Unusually tense, to calm him down I
ran my fingernails up and down his
back while brushing my bare chest
against his. Although his hands
were all over me, he's such a
sweetheart I don't mind. After two
VIPs with him, he left and I went
over to sit with another regular
who I've noticed sits in the same
spot in the club every time he
comes in. I'm free, so I go right
over to him.
AMY
Would you like a dance?
BERMUDASHORTSMAN
Well, yes...
NARRATOR
We make our way to the private
dance area. He has on these
paper-thin Bermuda shorts, so thin
you can see right through them, and
I could make out he had a condom
on. Smart, I thought, he's planning
ahead. Then, I realized that in the
past he'd always cum so with the
condom he doesn't make a fucking
mess. It's kinda gross, but it
happens more than you might think.
Next, LargeLargeMan comes in. He
sells hair dye products all over
the country.
LARGELARGEMAN
Hey...I just got back from Vegas.
You won't believe the freaky sex
shit that goes on there.
AMY
Oh yes I would...I've been there a
few times and participated in some
of those sex shenanigans, but sure,
what else have you been up to?
LARGELARGEMAN
Well, I need you to warm me up...as
I'm heading for an orgy in
Brookfield when we're done here.
NARRATOR
I doubt there was much truth in
anything he said, but I played
along. I knew he was married with
two kids, but boys will be boys and
if telling his tall sex stories
makes him feel more like a viral
man, I don't mind stoking his
testosterone starved alter ego. Men
will tell me everything, then, I
get naked right in front of them,
rub my boobs in their face, and get
them hard. It's fucked up, I know,
and sometimes I almost feel guilty,
but in my line of work you have to
shake that off because it's your
job--it's your job to take their
money. By three I'd make all the
money I was going to take in that
day when two guys who I knew to be
firemen came in so I went over to
sit with em.
FIREMAN #1
So, Amy, do some guys get hard when
you're with them, you know, get an
erection?
NARRATOR
Apparently a club newbie, at first
I had a puzzled look on my face,
but quickly wiped that clean
replacing it with a glare of
confidence before answering.
AMY
Everybody I dance for gets hard!
FIREMAN #1
Oh, I see, but aren't they
embarrassed...I know I would be?
AMY
Like why, that's what happens to
guys, isn't it?
Amy leaves the club and goes shopping at a pet store and
coming out of the store sees a BULLDOG, a LOVELY BEAST,
sitting in a man's car.
NARRATOR
I thought I was being clever but my
Comedy-Central joke moment didn't
seem to go over well, Anyway, that
was my day, non-stop, didn't get to
sit by myself and chill even once.
I left with a tip purse full of
cash, but inside I was empty.
Stopped at the pet store to pick up
some dog food. On my way back to my
car I noticed a man in his jeep
with an impressive white and brown
bulldog with a massive head looking
out the window. I remember
thinking...what a lovely beast.
Then, it struck me I'd found the
title for my novel...sexy and
intriguing. The writing gods were
circling around this moment of
inspiration. I let my editor know
right away and he was stunned by
the tantalizing springboard of
implications of the title. I sat in
my car having to admit I was
actually pretty good at this
creative writing stuff.
INT. INSIDE AMY'S HOME
Amy is home cuddling up on her black lEATHER COUCH.
NARRATOR
Finally home, starving, all I
wanted to do was cuddle up on our
couch with my guy, my dog, and
watch a recorded episode of Weeds
on the oh so lifelike new flat
panel TV my man just bought me.
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